Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Last night while I attempted to unwind from a really long week/weekend, Hunter decided to recap a recent documentary he had seen about zombie apocalypses and deadly virus outbreaks. He went on to suggest that perhaps we needed to own a gun to protect our family in case the human race regressed into animal-instinct survival mode.
Ya'll, maybe it was the wine? Maybe the lack of sleep, the recent move, the pounding headache, the looooong day at work?
But I kind of snapped.
Poor guy was just trying to push my buttons (I H.A.T.E. guns... and zombies for that matter ok), and BAM there I am spewing a year's worth of anxiety and fear on him.
Like, really serious heavy stuff.
I am struggling with anxiety.
And I hadn't even spoken to my husband about it once. My best friend, the man who understands me more than anyone else ever could.
You have to understand, in the first 25 years of my life I don't think I took more than 5 minutes to stop and reflect on my own mortality. Maybe it was immature. Naive?
But I had peace.
I trusted that my future was in better hands than my own and I enjoyed the moment. Period. I think I was kind of proud of my ability to just go for things. I had this confidence that whatever happened, it would be fine. I think it was part faith, but also part pride.
And then I got pregnant.
Believe me, I did know that it would change my life. But true to the mindset I've just described, our pregnancy wasn't actually planned. We did switch to natural family planning because of the horrible effects that hormonal birth control had on my body. And we did know that there was a greater possibility of pregnancy sooner than we were planning, but we just went for it. We knew we wanted to have lots of babies at some point, so why not see what God had in store?
Well, He had a perfect daughter in store about 2 years sooner than we were thinking.
I freaked out for a minute when we first found out and then we jumped right on board and got SO excited! :)
Then, it started.
From the very beginning of the pregnancy I would have so much stress between appointments. What if something happens? What if the precious little heart isn't beating anymore?
But I pushed it aside because I didn't have a clue how to deal with it.
My pregnancy was picture perfect (other than being TEN DAYS too long... but who's counting?) and our perfect Lily was here before we knew it.
She was healthy and fabulous and nursed easily. Appointments have always been routine and normal and yet I continue to be plagued with fear.
What if something happened to my sweet babe? There are a millions of things to be afraid of for this fragile tiny person. And beyond that, what if something happened to the love of my life and I had to care for this girl alone? What if something happened to me and she didn't have a mama?
Yikes. SO unhealthy to dwell. I know that.
I also know that God gave us a spirit not of fear but of POWER and love and self-control. (2 Timothy 1:7)
I'll be praying that I can remember that every single day.
Do you/ have you ever struggled with fear and anxiety? I would love to know how you deal with it.
(I'm linking up with Amanda again today. Check out all of the inspirational blogs over there!)